Weekly Vet News

A spelling mistake led to the sudden secession of Florida from the United States. After the Center for Disease Control tried to implement the newest guidelines regarding De-Fluoridation of the nation’s water supplies, following Health Secretary Kennedy’s request to remove fluoride from drinking water, the Florida State Legislature mistook the new ruling as a request for De-Floridation, the expulsion of the state of Florida from the union.

“We thought now with Canada and Greenland becoming the 51st and 52nd states of the union, and me running against Trump in the last presidential primary, that this was the administration’s way for payback and getting rid of millions of retirees at the same time”, Florida’s governor DeSantis stated in an interview with FoxNews. “We didn’t dare contradict our Dear Leader and initiated the necessary steps to secede immediately”.

On a federal level the secession was ratified by an overwhelming majority in the House of Representatives and a 98 to 2 vote in the Senate, showing the general enthusiasm of politicians on both sides of the aisle to get rid of the hurricane prone swamp. “It’s like having your appendix removed”, Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries, proclaimed. “After it’s out you wonder what it was ever good for?”. Floridians appeared utterly confused by the suddenness of the change, with the ‘Association of Liposuctionists and Plastic Surgeons’ (ASS) voicing concerns about a likely dwindling influx of retirees.

United Airlines to stop requirement of small to mid-size dogs and children under 4 years of age to travel in overhead compartment.

After complaints from the American Humane Society and children’s rights groups United Airlines announced that they will revisit their travel policies for pets and children. A spokesperson stated: “From now on only infants under 6 months of age and dogs under 5 pounds will need to travel in the cramped overhead spaces. They simply fit in better next to most roller bags anyway. The last beagle we transported from Albuquerque to Newark chewed through a customer’s bag in Business Class, got dog hair all over his suits and shirts before urinating on the toiletry bag. Also, toddlers have been shown to be a real nuisance when left unsupervised above traveler’s heads. The constant cries for their parents proved especially bothersome on Trans-Atlantic flights.”

American Airlines is said to follow United’s lead and waive requirements to store dachshunds in cardboard mailing tubes on domestic travel.

With the number of requested vasectomies on the rise after the recent SCOTUS decision overturning Roe v Wade, voices in congress advocating for veterinarians to be allowed to perform these procedures on men above the age of 18 are growing louder.

The initial proposal is being co-sponsored by house members on both sides of the aisle and is expected to go to conference committee by late fall. Republican House leader Mike Johnson is still opposed to any such bill moving forward after realizing that he lost his balls a long time ago, making a vasectomy unnecessary. Numerous white, male Republicans Senators, with Mitch McConnell being the strongest opponent, stated concerns that their Vasa Deferentia (the spermatic ducts moving sinful sperm from their shriveled testicles to their phallic appendages) have important load bearing functions since most politicians do not possess spines. 

A recent gallup poll showed wide support for the bill in the general population with 107% of women and a staggering 123% of veterinarians being in favor of the legislation.