Weekly Vet News

Gianni Infantino, the president of FIFA, the world governing body of soccer, had to be surgically extracted from the presidents rear end after presenting him with the FIFA peace prize during an award ceremony

The prize was presented by Infantino in recognition of the US president's efforts to  provide sycophants with easier access to members of the government's executive branch.

"FIFA has a long history of combining corruption with a complete lack of ethics", Infantino stated. "Our cooperation with Trump just seemed like a natural way to further this cause".

Jesus Christ was deported on a plane to El Salvador with dozens of other immigrants to be retained in a high security prison. 

"We obtained this Jesus guy during a ICE raid in Baltimore" head of Homeland Security Kristi Noem explained. "Long hair, brown skin, sandals in the winter. Talking nonsense about Judeo-Christian values while hanging out with drug addicts and homeless people. Garbage coming from a garbage country as our POTUS pointed out", she continued. "I am so glad the president used his right of Habeas Corpus allowing him to use his executive power to remove this filth from our society".

The plane, taking off from Newark, NJ, carried Jesus into the night sky accompanied by Buddha and the Dalai Lama, who were accused of making woke  statements about peace and togetherness  while refusing to appear in an ad for the Trump Crypto Coin.

Santa's sleigh was shot down over international waters on its way to an Ecuadorian toy manufacturer. "That sleigh   carried an old man with a sack full of drugs, probably Fentanyl", a spokesman for Secretary Hegseth said. "Our first rocket injured him and disemboweled 6 of the reindeer". 

"The old man was still trying to wave as his fat body plunged toward the ground..., probably trying to signal some fellow drug smugglers to avoid detection", he continued. We had to use a second device to finish the job. 

An official statement by Secretary Hegseth read: "The presence of drug smuggling sleighs constitutes a clear and present danger to the United States and must be met with indiscriminate slaughter. International law must be rejected in these instances according to legal precedent established  under the 6 to 3  Surpreme Court decision of "Fuck You v Humanity" earlier this year".